2022: The Lovers and Tarot Magick

Apologies for such a late post. 2022 already feels long, doesn’t it? But here we are! And numerology wise, add the numbers for 2022 up and you get 6. Key 6 in the Major Arcana is the Lovers card. The Lovers is ruled by the element of Air, and the card itself signifies many things including love, morality, choices, and a newness overall. So, what does that mean for 2022? Well, we came out of the year of the Hierophant, Key 5 in the Major Arcana and the sum of the digits in 2021. The Hierophant as 2021 represented orthodoxy and correctness, which makes sense when we think about the impact of 2020 (Key 4, The Emperor) and everything that came after. So, now where does that leave us in terms of something new? Let’s think about that as we focus on the topic for this post: Tarot Magick!

For more on the Tarot, you can read the three posts I did on the history of Tarot and its modern use. Today, however, I’ll be focusing on the esoteric uses and the sympathetic magick we can do with Tarot. First and foremost, no matter how you use Tarot, it can be beneficial. The images and meanings can help us in the same way that journaling and using affirmations can. So, let’s view Tarot through a similar lens for the purposes of this endeavor. One of my favorite things to do with a Tarot deck is to set my intention for the week. Let’s say that my intention for this week is to commit to an artistic activity every day. Imagine that the cards I shuffle and pull, are “scary” cards like The Tower, The Devil, and Five of Swords. Wait. Does that mean my art will suck this week?! Before pressing the panic button, let’s first look at this objectively.

The Tower represents a major upheaval or change. Think what goes up must come down. If we use this analogy, perhaps the tower can be a force for good in our lives. The Devil is a tricky one. Aside from Christian and/or Biblical imagery, this card can reveal hidden layers within us. Yes, on the one hand, it is associated with temptation. On the other hand, I like to view The Devil card as being able to recognize the various multitudes that co-exist within ourselves, the good and the bad, and the potential to give in to things equally. So far, we have a major change, hidden layers, and now onto the Five of Swords. Perhaps, this Five of Swords calls into question the competitive and cutthroat nature of human aspirations. This is especially applicable in a workplace scenario. Let’s put it all together for artistic intentions: major change, hidden layers, and cutthroat competition.

Now, we’re going to take it apart. What constitutes major change? Does our artistic intention equate an upheaval or perhaps is it a transformative exercise? To use the energy of the Tower, we need to look at what we are building and evaluate whether something must shift or move to make room for the new. The foundation of what we want to accomplish will stay strong. This is a renovation of sorts. The next card is the Devil. Maybe in the context of temptation, this is a scenario in which a little indulgence could be useful. We need to think in terms of the playful nature of temptation versus the all-consuming desire that could potentially cause harm to ourselves. This is an area where “everything in moderation and eat desserts sparingly” comes to mind.

Five of Swords is more ambivalent. Are we in competition with others in our artistic intentions? If so, perhaps the idea is to change our perspective to be more motivated to be better—to compete against our personal bests (but not to go overboard either). If we are not competitive with others and are feeling that others are cutthroat competitive with us, this is a reminder to make time for ourselves and focus the attention where it belongs. Sometimes competition in the workplace is a challenge, especially when we are not actually competing. We may be surprised to learn that others can be competitive regardless of our intentions. Again, that is a call sign for us to channel energy inwards and not let the competition weigh us down.

These are just suggestions for interpretation, not to be taken at face value. Your own interpretations will likely make more sense to you, after all! Now, onto the magick side of Tarot. I think the beauty of harnessing imagery, such as what we see in Tarot, is an effortless exercise in our spiritual designs. If we really think about it, we use imagery in virtually every aspect of our lives. The decks I tend to use for magick are the Luis Royo Black Tarot and the Aleister Crowley Thoth Tarot. Say what you will about Crowley, but that Tarot deck is definitely potent. Here is a ritual suggestion. I’ve given substitutions as well. Make it your own and have fun!

Items need for Ritual: Salt water, almond oil, (or any base oil) a few pinches of mugwort as a herb (if not, you can use a bay leaf or cinnamon stick), your Tarot card of the day (if you pull a card, otherwise, use the Star card for inspiration, or use both a card you pull as well as the Star card), any essential oils. You can also decide which moon phase suits your purposes for magick.

I put the mugwort (you can use basil, cinnamon sticks, chamomile leaves, bay leaves, depending on your intention) in hot water like a tea, then strain it, add a few drops of an essential oil or added herbs, (lavender for calm, eucalyptus for healing, etc.) and then make it a mist. I spray my sacred space or altar and cleanse the area using incense or ringing bells. I find that both purify and protect my space. I say an intention prayer and call in the deities or guides. Then I shuffle my deck and pull out a card, whatever that card may be, interpret it, and make another intention based on the card. For example, if you pull a 10 of Wands or Five of Cups, think about whether there is a heaviness in your life where you’re feeling bogged down. What can you do about it? What would be the intention there? If it’s Five of Cups, how do we move past that sorrow? You can also keep the Star card on hand for inspiration and hope.

I then meditate and create a sigil for whatever workings I feel called to based on the Tarot magick I just did. Then dip your hands in salt water for added cleansing. Use an anointing oil afterwards (some will say you should do this at the start, but I find this method works for me. Try and see what works for you!) If you don’t have oils, you can substitute using herbs or make teas to drink for calming. This often helps ground me after ritual. I close the ritual with a prayer and gratitude to the guides. You’ll find as you start doing these rituals, you will interpret things your own way and craft your own magickal workings. That’s it for now. I will post more on herbs and oils next! Again, please make sure to check for safety, allergies, etc. and be careful around pets. **Disclaimer, none of what I’m proposing in this, or previous blog posts should ever be used in lieu of financial decision-making, medical and/or psychological treatment, and life-changing alterations.**

Thank you for reading so far and for being patient with me as I know this post was long overdue! If you are interested in my readings and creative writing Tarot courses, head over to my site:

https://www.thetarotstories.com

Until next time, have a blessed rest of the month. Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

The Cosmic Wave: Science Magick

Photo by Lucas George Wendt on Pexels.com

Welcome lovely readers to Spooky Season! I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long. But I will hopefully be writing more soon. This month’s topic is something I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while: science and religion/spirituality and why science magick is actually incredible. Let’s start with the first part though. Science and religion/spirituality. I’ll expand more on spirituality because there are some differences between religion and spirituality, but let’s talk about science and religion first. I have always wondered why they have been at odds for so long. It seemed like there was once an understanding between the two. Astrology, for example, was a deeply respected art. It utilized fundamental astronomical principles and was considered a kind of science itself. The challenge today is the polarization within the scientific and religious/spiritual communities.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

A lot of religions do come with dogma, rules, and creed. There are some things morally that most of us agree on, no doubt. However, some other tenets or beliefs may not suit everyone else. And others do not suit the modern era. These are all things we try to understand and find ways to adapt it to the respective situations. It becomes a problem when the dogmatic stance is unyielding. Perhaps, this is an oxymoron. Dogma, by definition, is fixed.

If something doesn’t give way, it is firmly rooted. Understandably, faith in something tends to be that way. But it isn’t applicable to religion alone. Indeed, faith in science is foundational for most of us in terms of ecology, our bodies, the weather, food, and more. Without a basic understanding of science, our knowledge will likely be conjecture. In some ways, much of knowledge itself begins with speculation, then inquiry, after which there’s study, and empirical data, and so on. We operate similarly from a space of inquiry when it comes to religion and spirituality. In many ways, the quest for truth stems from the same place. The execution, however, is the key difference.

Why did science and religion part ways? Well, there are some theories. One area was vastly expanding. Another area was more of a rooted foundation. Imagine the suit of Swords in Tarot engaging in action with the suit of Pentacles. Swords is associated with intellect and air, like science. Religion is planted deep in the earth. Neither one can make great waves against or with each other. They remain neutral. Science is constantly moving and evolving. Outside of religion, we also have spirituality—a little more movement perhaps—which is not to say that some religions don’t move.

Can spirituality then act as the bridge between science and religion? Is there a happy medium? I believe there is. I think science is a magickal art. It is human resourcefulness at the genius level if I’m being honest. Science combines the best of the Wands and Swords suits in the Tarot. It represents innovation, exploration, intellect, and logic. Religion falls under the umbrella of the Cups and Pentacles suit. It represents intuition, emotions, home, hearth, and family. The four suits, Wands, Cups, Swords, and Pentacles are a harmonious elemental quartet that animate this world. Then there’s ether, spirituality.

This may surprise some people, but I consider myself religious, spiritual, and scientific simultaneously. Why? Because I don’t see stark differences between the three and because I’ve delved deep into science magick, an alchemy if you will. It sounds geeky, but indulge me here a moment. I believe science magick is the ultimate mystical tool to have under your belt. There is a hybridization in our thinking of the universe in general if we look at how things have evolved. Let’s frame it this way. Science allows us to study the natural world, the physics of our reality, space, and the way things work. Religion and spirituality allow us to study the metaphysical world, the intuitive side, and our personal mental strengths. If we look at them together, we see that they can arrange themselves to form the “as above, so below” model.

Science magick is one way to connect our energies to the natural and observable universe. We can live intuitively and work with the rhythms of the universe. There is a musicality, a geometric, quantum beauty in the way things operate on this planet and in the celestial sky. Planetary magick, geomancy, and sky divination are all tools I use. I study the secular sciences alongside the metaphysical like true sidereal and Vedic astrology, so that I can, from a physical and quantum level, create and craft spells of my own. For instance, there’s a mathematical and magickal quality to sigil workings. So, I’ll say this: science magick is a gift. Because it assumes that there is a magickal quality to the study of science itself.

I will be writing about some of the science magick I personally do in detail later. But I wanted to leave you with this thought: where does our knowledge originate from? Our ability to speak, to communicate without words, to intuit, to study the way the things work, to dance, to building incredible things, and more, where do they all come from? It may seem random. It may seem like organized chaos. But there is a pattern to what feels like a cacophony and symphony that co-exists in the universe—the polarity of creation and destruction. What we do know is this. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It simply just is. It can however transform. Such is the nature of the universe. Such is the nature of our own existence too in the quantum sense.

That’s it for now. If you made it this far, I thank you! The next topic will deal with Tarot Magick and Empathic Energy work. Until next time, happy Samhain, Harvest, and Witches’ New Year. Blessings. With love, the Foxy Witch.

SUPER FULL MOON AND ECLIPSE

Super full blood moon Flower Moon and a lunar eclipse and retrogrades, and UFOs say what?! It seems like every day something new is being discovered. If you’re anything like me, this full moon and lunar eclipse was bizarre. It’s like the world turned itself upside down, then inside out. The pandemic might be letting up, yet we hear of the desperate and scary situation in other places, like India. Cautious optimism seems like a luxury. Overall, the energy is jittery. If ever we needed some reassurance, it is now. If it feels like things are going in circles, it probably is! But it will get better soon. Let’s talk about why people get antsy around Mercury Retrograde in particular. We also have Saturn Retrograde to contend with and strange happenings in the sky all around. UFOs! No, they’re not aliens. But they are interesting to explore in the grand scheme of things. And that is a subject for another blog post. This is just a hint of what’s to follow in later blog posts!

Mercury is the messenger planet. We often worry that our communications will break down or that the energy will be too intense for some people. But the truth is—Mercury can be a good friend to us in times of joy and sorrow. In order to explore that, it might help to know where Mercury is placed in your birth chart. I go by Vedic astrological placements in the sidereal natal chart, so they tend to differ from tropical astrology. Nevertheless, whatever your preference, remember to look at Mercury holistically. If we think about Mercury in terms of its proximity to the sun, we can use the analogy of leaning too close to the fire, lest we be burned! Avoidance of hasty decision-making during this time is important—it’s probably important regardless. Being hasty or in a rush can be problematic in general after all. Being mindful of how we say things can also be a plus point during retrograde. Again, this is a good plan of action all the time.

We’ve all heard the expression: don’t shoot the messenger. Yep. Mercury is that guy! Retrograde does not have to mean we blame every techno-hiccup or verbal mishap on Mercury Retrograde. We can look inwards to see how we are communicating with ourselves. Are we being kind to ourselves? What does our inner voice sound like? This is critical, in my opinion. If we cannot hear ourselves, then what are we listening to? As I mentioned in the previous blog post, the things that we take in are not just things we eat. We nourish our minds too. The news is filled with things that frighten us. Social media is both a blessing and a curse. How do we nourish ourselves emotionally and spiritually during this time? And it’s not as simple as just doing something fun and distracting/distancing ourselves from stressors. We have to go further than that, deep down into the recesses of our darkest corners. What we find there will reveal who we really are underneath the layers we grow to protect ourselves. Our focus this retrograde is on the wild, the untapped potential in the dark, the raw and primal force within.

To tap into this reservoir, we can journey—imagine you are on a quest, a hero’s quest to find treasure hidden in a cave. What kind of treasures does this cave hold? Believe me, there are beautiful things in there! Our journey can begin with a meditation or a calming walk. Meditation does not always have to be sitting still with eyes closed—sometimes it is in being able to connect to nature. Do you have a park or a garden where you can safely walk? One way is to listen to the sounds of the birds, the wind, and feel the ground beneath your feet (yes, even with shoes on 😉). Take it all in. Then think back to a time where you felt this freedom. Call in that version of yourself and ask that person what your wish is for the future. This isn’t an exercise in counting regrets. This is just a pure, unfiltered wish. The words we choose to use on ourselves is more important than any words. They can change who we are in an instant. This Mercury retrograde, let’s focus on our inner language. As for Saturn, the focus is on our karma—how we can secure our spot in the hall of karmic fame. Just kidding. It is a way for us to build good credit. We cannot control outside circumstances, but we have control over ourselves. By working towards the future in a positive light, we build up positive karma. Saturn moves and is darker and more shadowy. I again invite and encourage you to make friends with your shadows. The unfiltered you is there too.

This was less lengthy than my previous blogs, but I hope you enjoyed it. I’ll be updating sooner. Be well, beloved readers. Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

Cosmic Changes, Vedic Astrology, and a Pink Supermoon!

Today’s blog post is a long one and a bit about astrology, one of my main passions! And why not? It’s a full moon tonight! It’s a supermoon in fact. In Jyotish or Vedic astrology, it is a full moon in the Nakshatra or star Chitra. It is considered an auspicious meeting of the full moon and this star. According to the Cosmic Insights app, it is a time for creativity, healing, and giving charitably. We also saw the start of the Vedic New Year April 11-12^th, 2021—Plava New Year. (Rosen, “Vedic New Year”) This is also the start of new ventures in terms of health. Here’s hoping for a more prosperous season for everyone, for healing, and renewal. After the turbulent upheaval of the pandemic and the socio-economic impact on the world, hope is something we all need. The Plava New Year is also associated with the pelican, among other meanings. This bird is a representation of hardiness and perseverance. While there is a move towards renewal, it is not without discomfort. 2021 is proving to be challenging regardless of strides made overall. But without the dark night of the soul, we cannot enter the new phase. So, the year of the Hierophant (as mentioned in my earlier Tarot blogposts) is an energy we can tap into as well as we navigate new territories. Our personal orthodoxy may be where we create spiritual traditions of our own. Things may be uncharted—but they are a blank slate. Jupiter and Saturn returns are taking place for a lot of us—Our Guru (Jupiter) and Karma (Saturn) teachers if you will. But now, we will look at some differences between tropical and sidereal astrology below and then move on to full moon energies.

What are some differences between tropical and Western astrology and Vedic and sidereal? The main factor is that sidereal astrology uses stellar positions and fixed stars to calculate the starting point of spring. Vedic astrology also adjusts to the Earth’s wobble—an astronomical phenomenon that takes about 25,926 years to complete. (Armstrong 38) In this case, the equinox appears to move backward or what we refer to as the Precession of the Equinoxes. The first day of spring is thus measured not in Aries, but in Pisces. Claudius Ptolemy, who lived around 100-170 CE, wrote texts on astrology and correctly calculated the first day of spring in Aries for that time period. Tropical astrology did not change the stellar positions from this point. We aren’t sure why Ptolemy’s work was unchanged. One theory is that perhaps, something was lost in translation—lost in libraries burnt down such as the famous one in Alexandria. We also know now that astrological books and materials were translated by the Catholic Church and other similar organizations without any alterations to the texts. (Armstrong 47) What we can surmise is that our ancients may not have had the time to calibrate and adjust to astronomical phenomena before their work was lost to us. (Armstrong 38-48)

Another difference is that while the definition of your sign in tropical astrology is based on the sun sign, Jyotish looks at the moon constellation first. The thing to note is that while the sun spends time in a constellation (sign) for approximately 28-30 days, the moon constellation or sign at the time of your birth as well as the ascendant are unique to your natal chart. So, we tend to prioritize those in Jyotish—especially the moon because that is considered the reflection of your soul. You can check to see how these planetary and stellar energies affect your Vedic moon. And finally, one of the biggest differences is that we work with 27 or 28 lunar mansions or constellations known as Nakshatras. It’s sometimes translated as constellations or stars which are correct, but they are not the 12 zodiac signs. I take all of this into account when discussing astrology in general. However, this is in NO WAY meant to demean Western and tropical astrology. There are obviously cultural differences that affect astrological beliefs. This is more of an explanation as to the methods with which I am most familiar. I’m also interested in the connections between mathematics, astronomy, and astrology. I’ve always found that math to be a magickal language on its own. And Jyotish just gives me more confirmation. With that, let’s move on to the full moon now!

The Full Moon, or the Pink Supermoon this month is a particularly beautiful one. Not only is the view from our stationary relativity lovely and reflective of a pinkish tinge, but it also appears closer to us. Aesthetics aside, from a psychic standpoint, this is about healing, especially in matters of physical and mental health—and particularly for those who are very open to energy—a psychic cleansing may be necessary. My view is that the full moon gives us a chance to connect with our reflections. This full moon as per Jyotish calculations via the Cosmic Insights app puts us in Libra and Virgo—mainly Libra. In tropical astrology, it is Scorpio. The constellations represent balance and the maiden. I interpret this as having a dialogue with the innocent half of yourself—the child that has not formed the adult judgments of today. Some other questions to think about: Do you see the person you are or the person you want to be when you gaze upon your reflection? Who influences you most, yourself or someone else? This is an extremely important question to answer, because ironically, we often spend time internalizing the externalities.

Let’s think about what we take in first. We know our intake of food and water are crucial to our survival. We pay attention to what eat in terms of protein, fats, carbohydrates, etc. We look for ways to help our bodies stay strong and resilient. Do we think about what we take in emotionally? What kinds of books do we read? How much time do we spend on social media? What do we “scroll” through? It is equally important to be mindful of the content we absorb mentally, psychically, and emotionally. Let me first say that I do not advocate giving up leisurely activities or your favorite shows. That’s not what this is about. I however invite you to take time off this full moon. Try reading something that brings you hope. Look at good news websites and watch something hopeful. Reflect on this in a journal. Think about the kind of healing you’d like to see in your life. Craft something that depicts your goal for the next two months. Get creative. Think about the kind of steps towards renewal you expect to see this week and next week.

With that, here is to well wishes all around. Thank you for making it this far! Please note that this is my understanding of Jyotish as I am still studying it. My final thoughts are: we know that we are still in the thick of it, but we can overcome these difficulties. Next blog post will be a surprise! And below are my references. Blessings to all. Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

Works Cited:

Armstrong, Jeffrey. God Goddess the Astrologer. Vasa Publishing, 2018.

Rosen, Barry. “Vedic New Year: The year of Plava April 11^th, 2021- April 2^nd, 2022 Part 1.” http://www.appliedvedicastrology.com/2021/04/09/vedic-new-year-the-year-of-plava-april-11-2021-april-2-2022/. Accessed April 26^th, 2021.

Cosmic Insights Astrology. GMan Labs Limited Liability Company. Version 7.3.1. www.app.cosmicinsights.net. Accessed April 26^th, 2021.

Pamela Colman-Smith: Pixie and the 78 Watercolor Paintings

It is with great pleasure and with humbled awe that I get to present a blog post on the inimitable and incredible Pamela Colman-Smith, affectionally dubbed Pixie by her friends. I have mentioned her a few times in the previous blog posts as being instrumental and influential to the world of Tarot. I did not however discuss her life or artwork in detail. While it is impossible to describe all of it in just a single blog post, what I will highlight are flourishes and glimmers of magic in her being and in her art, and why we need to honor this beautiful soul who brought Tarot into its modern age. So, without further ado, let’s dive right in! First, who was she? We know the tale: she was the mastermind artist behind the Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot deck that became so iconic and popular as the first, comprehensive modern Tarot deck. The woman behind the artwork was a prolific artist. The mystery and intrigue into her story are almost like taking the journey through the Tarot deck itself. Let’s take a look at Pamela Colman-Smith’s heroine’s journey from the Fool to the World and the beyond.

Corinne Pamela Colman Smith was born on February 16^th, 1878 in London to American parents Charles Edward Smith and Corrine Colman Smith. Her ancestry was something of a mystery to many. People perceived her differently based on assumptions they made regarding her looks. Regardless, Pamela impressed others with her personality and talent. She came from a family of writers and artists. Her maternal grandfather was a notable bookseller and publisher. (Foley O’Connor 15) Her maternal grandmother was a great writer in her day. Pamela’s mother was an actress in a private theater. Her father also exhibited artistic tendencies and worked in design. It is easy to see where Pamela gets her talent from, no doubt. Her maternal uncle was an artist himself. (Foley O’Connor 15-17) We see the influences of art, theater, and folkloric storytelling in her works. Pamela was educated at the illustrious Pratt Institute in Brooklyn. She was only fifteen at the time and by the time she reached the age of nineteen, she had already sold four watercolor paintings and had her first feature exhibition. (Foley O’Connor 21-22)

Pamela was also fascinated by Jamaican folklore. Her family relocated to Jamaica when she was young, and this would serve to cement her artistry, poetry, and ultimately storytelling style in a way that was so uniquely her. She had her fair share of struggles, having to cope with her mother’s illness and death, manage family affairs, and assume responsibilities of that of the head of the household and still work on her art. She was only eighteen! (Foley O’Connor 21) It was also here at this point that she had started work on miniature theater. Her play Henry Morgan was intricate and beautifully designed. She performed it in Brooklyn in addition to Jamaica to positive reception overall. It is quite astonishing to imagine a young woman, a teenager designing art for miniature theater, performing and composing her own play, and juggling family finances simultaneously. This only goes to show her remarkable spirit. She had a lot of ambition for her future and certainly defied all tradition. Pamela was not married, did not have any children, and in fact worked her whole life. In addition to art, she was also a costume designer. She was an enterprising woman, who even when challenged, proved to be a formidable force.

By early 1900, Pamela Colman-Smith had lost both her parents. However, she was constantly seeking new opportunities for artistic and storytelling pursuits. She made friends with people in theater, art, and publishing. In January of 1903, Pamela had launched her own magazine The Green Sheaf. (Foley O’Connor 47) She was influenced by W.B. Yeats and Irish mythology, but in spite of consulting with him, she did not “incorporate his suggestions” (Foley O’Connor 47). However, one can clearly see that her work was the result of a holistic view—one that combined the mundane and the mystical. There were often scenes of realism sprinkled with whimsy. Pamela’s poetry had an evocative, folkloric voice that left a lasting impression. Her book Anansi Tales was filled with such a voice. Though she struggled with finances, she was meticulous in her endeavors and aware of the growing issues. Unfortunately, the magazine was not viable financially. After 1906, Pamela had to come up with a new plan.

Here is where we get to the more magical aspects of Pamela’s works. She produced a series of music pictures. Indeed, by February of 1908, she had produced 98 drawings by her own admission! (Foley O’Connor 60) Pamela would respond to the aesthetics of the music she heard and create images based on that. She even describes the experience as having a vision. “Pamela’s ability to visualize music she heard is one of the most important keys to her artistic ability. It is evident that she had synesthesia.” (Foley O’Connor 60) I believe Pamela had many visions and beyond just colors, she was able to construct vivid images. Several works of hers have such a metaphysical quality to them that they shimmer off the page. I highly recommend picking up this book, Pamela Colman-Smith the Untold Story by Stuart Kaplan along with Mary K. Greer, Elizabeth Foley O’Connor, and Melinda Boyd Parsons. Many of Pamela’s beautiful illustrations are preserved in this book, and you get a more intimate look at her life and influences.

Let’s talk about the Tarot, which is what a lot of people most associate her with after all. The imagery in the Tarot has Christian undertones and also utilizes inspiration from the Visconti Tarot. There is a classical style to these paintings. Earlier works by Pamela Colman-Smith reveal her interest in Arthurian themes, early Renaissance styles, and an overall passion for folklore and the use of colors. The Rider-Waite-Smith deck is one that I believe is the most comprehensive since its inception. She not only illustrated the spiritual journey of the Fool to the World in the Major Arcana, but she also subtly threw in some feminist imagery throughout the deck. She was a suffragette. Note her Magician, her Queens, and a few other pip cards. Some of the images are inspired by Pamela’s close friends. (Boyd Parsons 366-7). Pamela Colman-Smith was reported to have been a member of the Golden Dawn though she later converted to Catholicism. Some around her have also surmised she was psychic. She was even associated with spiritualism. It would not surprise me if Pamela Colman-Smith had other-worldly connections her whole life! These are speculations from an earnest seeker, but I do not believe I’m alone in this sentiment. Pamela’s works would go on to influence many Tarot artists—music, psychology, and much more. Her legacy lives on in Tarot, in her folklore, her storytelling. This humble biography is not sufficient enough to describe her life. I may have to create another blog post on her. In the meantime, I hope this garners your interest. Read the book on Pamela if you can. And feel the essence of her magick in the Waite-Smith deck.

Thank you for reading another lengthy blog post! My next one to be published immediately is an astrology forecast from a Vedic standpoint and on the full moon. Blessings beloved readers! Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

Works Cited:

Foley, O’Connor Elizabeth. “Pamela’s Life.” Pamela Colman Smith: An Untold Story. Edited by Lynn Araujo, Jennifer. A. Kaplan, and Paula Palmer. U.S. Game Systems Inc. July 15^th, 2018. Stamford, CT.

Parsons, Boyd Melinda. “Influences & Expression in the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck.” Pamela Colman Smith: An Untold Story. Edited by Lynn Araujo, Jennifer. A. Kaplan, and Paula Palmer. U.S. Game Systems Inc. July 15^th, 2018. Stamford, CT.

Spiritual Gaslighting: A Sad Truth

I intended to write a post on Pamela Colman Smith first before any other posts. But something has been on my mind lately, and I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. Here it goes: Spiritual Gaslighting and False Positivity. If you are at all familiar with this, then you might be wondering why there has not been enough discussion on it. To be fair, there has been some. But while I have seen the passing article here and there that details something called toxic positivity, there has not been as much focus on the mental health it derails in its attempt to foster a positive community. It has become an unfortunate and dangerous trend in the guise of wellness. I have personal experience with this and know many others who have also had experience with it. This blog post will hopefully highlight ways in which we can identify these trends and what we can do to keep ourselves strong regardless of the community at large. This post is not meant to hurt anyone or make people look bad. This is an examination of observed behaviors from my perspective.

Over the past few months, I’ve done intense shadow work—and honestly, I’ve been doing it for a while and will continue to do it. Shadow work is important. I have even discussed it in my previous posts. Believe me, shadow work can help bring us back to center. But these terms get thrown around frivolously. I have noticed sometimes in the spiritual and wellness community that any mental health issue can get labeled as the result of inadequate shadow work. I am not a psychologist, but as someone who has struggled with mental health issues, this can exacerbate the problem further. It borders on victim blaming. We do not and cannot know anyone’s mental health history without knowing them fully, and even then, we cannot truly know. Therefore, it is critical that we are careful not to diagnose everything as a lack of shadow work. Some circumstances have no rhyme or reason. Some might say it is Karma. Sure, Karma plays a factor—leftover trauma, past grievances, tendencies, etc. which can all be previous life baggage—but we as individuals cannot judge the present by the past. We can only do our best in the present. Therefore, it is imperative to operate from an empathic place and look at things from a loving and bigger perspective.

False positivity ends up on the frontlines whenever something is characterized as not being positive enough to wish it or attract it. Why is it easy for some to manifest and harder for others? We do attract what we are—but we also have to work through the difficulties at our own pace. And we may attract those who care for us in the process. Telling someone that it is their energy that causes them to fail does little to lift them up when they are hurting. External circumstances cannot be controlled. We cannot be so arrogant to ascribe the power of the weather, other individuals, and more to ourselves. Yet, this happens a lot in the spiritual community and gets normalized. “She’s in a dark place. Her energy is bad. Protect yourself around her! Good vibes only!” It sounds innocuous. But it is a form of gaslighting. While there may be legitimate reasons with certain individuals, sadly this gets used to justify gaslighting those afflicted with mental health issues. Once again, we all may have experienced this or been inadvertently guilty of it–it’s confusing to get mixed messages within wellness and spiritual arenas. It’s a learning process and not cause for self-deprecation or for getting angry and remaining bitter. I want to be clear that this is not an attack on spiritual communities.

Allow me to be vulnerable for a moment. I do not wish to throw anyone under the bus or name any names, so that’s not what this is. I’m just sharing my experience. Several years back, I was blamed for “negative energy”–in this case an external circumstance attacking a person’s home and family via the plumbing system in the house–or something to that effect. Firstly, I was not that close with the individual in question and geographically thousands of miles away, so it came out of left field. It went further when this individual spoke to others in my then-circle of “friends” and managed to convince them that I was “bad energy” or an “energy vampire”. Of course, I took it seriously and spiraled further into a dark place of complete alienation and isolation. I was living alone and subject to the mercy of my own harsh thoughts. I was bullied and gaslighted by the others soon after. And I’ll be honest, and also to give the story an accurate depiction in the interest of fairness, let me say that my depression and negativity was hard to handle–and I can absolutely understand anyone needing space from that. But it did not warrant fabricating realities in an attempt to spiritually gaslight me either. Furthermore, when I tried to seek guidance or look for answers to those in the new age and/or spiritual community, I was then told that I created this myself and will have to do “shadow work” to get out of it. My therapist on the other hand saw the situation for what it was—and assured me that I most certainly did not deserve this. After all of this happened–and yes, I came close to losing my life, I completely left spirituality for a while. I never wanted to look at anything related to magick or witchcraft ever again or for any kind of community. And after I came back to center, I was spiritually gaslighted again–this time recently–and in a much more subtle way. It goes to show that we have no assurance that the way we believe we present ourselves is how we are perceived. All we can do is make sure we do our best–and not repeat this behavior to others.

I am happy though that I stayed in the center despite those things, with my own brand of magick, Tarot, and with my Vedic roots and religion. I continue to grow and change. I find myself more interested in Vedic Astrology and Eastern culture and philosophy. It’s not only where I came from—but I understand it much better now. The pandemic has allowed me to come full circle. I see clearly that there needs to be a balance. And thus, we cannot simply ignore the problems in the community in favor of false positivity. But we also cannot stay in the negative either. We just need to recognize that each person’s journey is different but that their inherent worth and dignity is always respected. That is really all we can ask for at this point.

I hope this finds everyone well. This was a harder blog post for me to write than I thought, but necessary. My next post tonight though will definitely be on the inimitable Pamela Colman-Smith, and the one after that will discuss Vedic Astrology and more! Be blessed. Thank you for reading my blog post, beloved readers. Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

Tarot Part III: 21st century Tarot

Imbolc blessings! We are just about budding into spring. I hope everyone had a good January. Last month strangely felt like an extension of 2020, and it feels like the New Year is only beginning now. We are experiencing enormous shifts in terms of consciousness. We are in the first Mercury Rx of 2021. And today’s date is 02/02/2021. The repetition of the sequence of numbers, 02/02/2021 give us pause to reflect as well. Numerology wise, the addition of these numbers equals 9. Key #9 in the Major Arcana is the Hermit which symbolizes personal journeying, wise counsel and your inner guide. The number 9 is unique because it takes on the energies of the numbers 1-8 and is the last number before double digit 10. The 9 is the final push which makes sense for us today since we are building up our immunity and getting our vaccines soon. The end is in sight! Different numerology systems have other interpretations which may resonate better for you, but this is just mine. With that said, let’s move on to the topic, the relevance of Tarot in the 21^st century. We already looked at its history and development. Now, let’s look at why it is such a beloved form of divination and more importantly, why it endures.

When I first started dabbling in Tarot in high school, I kept seeing certain images crop up in my life. I thought nothing of it at first. I assumed it was wishful thinking or pure coincidence. But soon, I began to recognize the images as symbols of things to do—things to forget, and things to remember. I was surprised at the effect of that recognition. It was as if I had just tuned in—I had to distinguish between myself assigning meaning to things versus actual signs. Once I did that, I paid more attention to details and synced up better with my intuition. With Tarot, it was easier to do that. There is something about the visual medium of Tarot that allows us to dream, allows us to hone into the specifics, because it lets us see things we would have otherwise missed or dismissed. The beauty of Tarot lies in its ability to create, invoke as well as evoke an emotional response in each of us. When we think about the Tarot as a divinatory art, we employ a mode of channeling to perhaps connect with our guides and call on Source energy to help us receive and divine messages within the cards. It is the act of creating, opening, and receiving that makes Tarot so memorable, potent, and one of the best loved methods of divination. It is neither too abstract nor too revealing. It has just enough to pique the interest of our innate, subconscious mind to tap into our Source and into (to use Carl Jung’s terminology) the collective unconscious.

Tarot can help us dig into that reservoir of hidden intuitive potential the same way that meditation can for others. The more you shuffle the cards, the more your energy becomes embedded in them. The more you look at the cards, the deeper your connection with yourself. I’ve been keeping a Tarot diary for a while and doing mini readings every so often, along with in-depth readings for phases of the moon and holidays. Through this, I was able to establish a pattern of thinking and habits to assess, change, or keep. I believe this is one of the main reasons Tarot has endured for so long. Another reason has to do with the fact that a lot of the cards align with the elements, with the moon phases, and holidays. With numerology, the Major Arcana and the Suits may align with dates in the calendar. Sometimes we can use the cards for manifestation rituals, for self-love, for guidance, and for daily mantras. We can also use the cards to represent emotions, thoughts, spiritual guides, and even deities depending on the deck.

We are in no way limited to how we can use the Tarot. It has evolved since its inception through the Middle Ages and Renaissance from art to games, to a divination system, to a psychological tool, to artistic mediums as well as ritual representatives. Tarot takes on a timelessness here. If it calls to you, you may find yourself undertaking a lengthy study, because it is a fascinating journey! It also does not have a religious dogma attached to it, nor does it require a belief system or even a belief in a deity or higher power in order for anyone to take up the practice of Tarot. The purposes for utilizing Tarot are individuated and adaptable. These are primary reasons as to why it is such a treasure to have in our toolbox. Oracle cards have a similar effect as well, and we will talk more about that in another blog post.

For the month of February and through Mercury Rx, let us turn inward and give ourselves the love we would give others. Thank you for reading! The next blog post is on Pamela Colman Smith. Future topics are going to discuss rituals, esoteric knowledge, metaphysical mindsets, and much more! If there is a topic you wish to see discussed, drop me a line in the comments and let me know. Until next time, be well beloved readers. Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

The Divine Dance of Tarot

Happy new year beloved readers! We have finally left behind 2020. We are entering a new phase of awakening! Have you felt it yet? We are currently moving towards karmic returns and rewards. Plan ahead and plan accordingly. That’s what my intuition tells me anyway. This blog post, as promised in the previous, is about Tarot! What a time to discuss it as we move into a mystical year. This is the year of the Hierophant. 2+0+2+1=5. Key 5 in the Major Arcana is the Hierophant. The Hierophant traditionally refers to orthodoxy or tradition and has a spiritual connotation. I interpret it for 2021 to have a deeper, inner meaning for each of us. We can develop our own traditions and spiritual practices as well as utilize what we already know. To delve into our blog topic, I want to first begin with an amazing experience on the Winter Solstice Great Conjunction day last month. I was privileged, humbled, and honored to do a group Tarot reading as a 2021 forecast live on Zoom! So, why was it such a big deal? Well, because this was not something that I have done in a group setting or had even thought about doing publicly. And it absolutely set my soul on fire! Let me add to that statement. It reignited the embers of my passion for Tarot that were simmering away inside all this time. I remember when I got my first Tarot deck. I received it as a gift during high school: The Love Tarot deck by Sarah Bartlett and illustrated by Nancy Tolford. It is an unusual deck in that it does not contain the full seventy-eight cards, just the Major Arcana. At that time, I wasn’t sure if it was going to have the same effect as a full Tarot deck, but I used it, nevertheless. It even went to college with me! I used the Love Tarot my freshman year to gain insight into a “Victorian era” style romance that I was unsure of, and the wisdom through it proved helpful. Thus, began my “secret love affair” with Tarot.

Tarot is a riveting study because of the numerous benefits it offers from a psychological perspective as well as the spiritual guidance side of it. But before we get into that, let us peek a little into the origins of Tarot. To do that, we need to first look at the concept of divination. Divination by itself is nothing new. Many cultures have had methods that predated the inception of paper. They used stones, shells, leaves, tree barks, to name a few, and some continue to do so, and others with modifications. We humans have always had a fascination with divining knowledge and learning about specific outcomes to predict our own futures better. I believe the reason for this lies mainly in the fear of our mortality and in our desire to be happy. These two factors influence our decision-making daily whether we actively think about them or not. It is hard to pinpoint the exact origins of divination in terms of place and the time period, but I think we can relatively assume that it was a natural progression after we gained awareness of our existence within the scope of the world and the universe as our early ancestors understood it. So, that makes divination an ancient study that endures to the present day! This brings us to the subject of Tarot as a divinatory practice today.

I want to briefly discuss the history of Tarot. I know, I know “Why the history lesson, Foxy Witch?”—but this is incredibly interesting and something I believe adds to the mystique of Tarot. I’ll be succinct, because I’m merely presenting a humble overview of what I understand with works I cite at the end as well as in-text of this blog. So, let’s begin! Tarot as we know it can trace its existence back to the late medieval/early Renaissance era in Europe, most notably in Italy. It was not used for divination at that time. Tarot was a card game. You may note the similarities with the Tarot and playing cards used today. There are a few origin stories with regards to the divinatory nature of Tarot—some claim it can be traced back to Egypt. There are other theories as well, however, the most-well known and evidential explanation of the Tarot itself dates back to the fifteenth century. The Visconti Tarot, Sola Busca Tarot, and the Visconti-Sforza are among the earliest decks. But it wasn’t until the 1700s when Jean-Batpiste Alliette also known as Etteilla, ascribed meanings to the cards and created spreads that enabled divinatory interpretations that changed how Tarot was viewed. Occult societies began to gain momentum around that time and well into the 1800s, most notably the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. (Wen 8). That brings us to the modern Tarot deck that popularized Tarot for the twentieth century: the Waite-Smith deck. It is the work of Arthur Edward Waite and artist Pamela Colman Smith who were both members of the Golden Dawn. Smith’s art could be considered the standard that inspired other modern decks. A lot of decks publish it as Rider-Waite Tarot—but I will use Waite-Smith. She is an intriguing woman to study, and I will be making a post dedicated just to her. I’ll explain more towards the end of this blog.

The Waite-Smith deck is modern in nature because it captures both esoteric elements as well as Christian symbology. The Tarot decks in existence today are plentiful with a variety of interpretations. The early decks seem to have strong Christian, Hebrew, and Greek influences. They are more classical and allegorical in terms of the artwork, which is reflective of the Renaissance period. The emergence of the modern Tarot did not discard this completely as we see in the Waite-Smith deck. (“History of Tarot”). However, the more occultist approach became popular. This brings us to the main point of the blog: Tarot for divination. The Tarot deck by itself may seem just a set of images with meanings attached to them. To the mystic, there is an intuitive approach to divining. We meditate, set up sacred space, and cleanse and shuffle the deck. We let our intuition guide us to the cards. Either we let the cards jump out as we shuffle, or we pull them based on how we want to lay them out. But we are guided to the cards, however we do them. The messages are contained in our impressions of the cards as we scrutinize the images. We use the knowledge of the meanings of the cards as well as our reactions. Then we notice them in the context of a spread. There is an art and science to the Tarot. In terms of magick, we can use the cards to help us manifest, connect with deity or guides. We may lay them on our altars or use them in a specific ritual or during a new moon or holiday. There are astrological and elemental associations we utilize to help us divine. It supports us in terms of our understanding of ourselves and our relationship to environments and people around us. There is much more to be said on the Tarot. I will make another blog post on it as this is already quite long!

I want to end on a note about my decks. I communicate with them regularly. I pick them up and meditate. Each one has a different vibrational feel to it. The Archeon deck practically hums in my hands. This deck holds special meaning to me. I did not get it by accident. I’ll discuss that more in the next post! I also use the Universal Waite-Smith deck frequently. I feel Pamela Colman Smith’s essence permeate the deck. It actually seems infused with her energy! I want to say much, much more on this. So, my next post will discuss my decks and Tarot magick, Pamela Colman Smith, and end with a current forecast for the collective for 2021. If you made it this far, thank you! Until next time, happy new year readers. Namaste. With love, the Foxy Witch.

Works Cited

Wen, Benebell. Holistic Tarot: An Integrative Approach to Using Tarot for Personal Growth. North Atlantic Books, 2015.

Payne-Towler, Christine. “History of Tarot” Tarot.com, 24^th May. 2018, https://www.tarot.com/tarot/christine-payne-towler/history-of-tarot. Accessed 6 January 2021.

Realms of Possibility

So…after a bit of soul work, I am writing more again and feel inspired to write. Before we get to our topic of the week, I would like to share something with all of you. I tend to get reflective as we get closer to the end of a year, but it seems especially important for 2020, and even more so after the winter solstice and conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn! So, I wanted to review whether I met my goals for this year. Did I finish the Kali book according to my summer deadline? Sadly, that one is a no. But I am going to finish it. I also now have three working manuscripts: The Kali book, a personal memoir, and a sci-fi novel. There is a lot of research and editing in progress at present, but it’s progressing, nevertheless. So, while I am disappointed at not meeting my personal deadline—I’m happy to say that I made some serious headway on the Kali book and have more information to include. With that, let’s talk about different realms and inevitably, we will end up discussing altered states. I feel this is a good time to discuss them especially as all the cosmic shifts continue to unveil and reveal themselves to us like many de-cloaking spaceships, appearing one by one or sometimes simultaneously. I know, I know, I’m a hardcore Trekkie and space science and sci-fi nerd 😉

First, we need to look at what we mean when we use the term different realms. The word realm refers to a place ruled by a monarch, an area of activity or knowledge (Merriam-Webster). In the spiritual sense, a realm refers to a physical or more often, liminal space. What we mean by liminal is the threshold between the physical and non-corporeal or the “in-between”. This is where our understanding of etheric or subtle body perceptions come into play. This leads us to altered states. If you have ever experienced it, you may have different ways of expressing what it was like. However, most of us can agree that it is different from being asleep and dreaming. Some sensations produce similar dream-like states, but the line between the unconscious and conscious is blurred a little—what is obscured in the physical is visible in the altered state.

An altered state can be understood as a state between consciousness and dreaming. One can remain anchored physically but travel to a spirit realm or an astral realm through etheric means. This brings us to an interesting question. What is the difference between the two realms? Let’s talk about the spirit realm first. As implied by the word spirit, it is the abode of spirits. Ancestors and guardian spirits may walk the realm. And souls ready to take on new bodies and reincarnate may exist there or they may be at the end of the journey, preparing to move on to the cosmos to become and realize they are the Source—at least that is my take on it. You might have a different view, and that is perfectly all right. “Okay Foxy Witch, but isn’t the astral realm the same thing?” Good question. I used to think so once. But as it turns out, they’re not. The astral realm does not necessarily mean spirit realm, although you can encounter spirits. What I’ve found is that the astral realm is not so different from our physical world. There are elements of our world strewn throughout. But things normally hidden from the conscious and physical realm make themselves known in the astral. It’s like navigating the element of air in a way—in our waking state, we only have cognition and physical sensations to let us know that air exists (sure, there are scientific methods to measure it, even see it displayed on monitors for activity), but this way we are getting to see it in the astral. What we cannot see with our naked eyes are made manifest in the astral realm.

I have been experiencing altered states lately through meditation and sometimes glimpse it while running. Now before I delve any further, I want to let everyone know that I do not use any hallucinogenic substances natural or otherwise to induce such a state—and I am not judging anyone who does. It is up to each practitioner. Plants and herbal substances have been used for a long time in various cultures for different reasons. Disclaimer here, though it is self-explanatory—if you use any herbs or medicinal substances, please make sure to take the necessary precautions and be in a safe space. I am not advocating for or against the use of herbal substances. Things do not need to be done exactly one way or the other. What is important is SAFETY FIRST above all else no matter what the circumstances or preference. As I said before, I do not use anything with hallucinogenic or psychoactive properties. What I do use are crystals, saltwater, and incense. The incense helps me anchor to something solid because a sense of smell lets me know where I am. The crystals ground me and cool me down, and the saltwater helps me cleanse when I am done. Some suggested herbs to burn are mugwort, bay leaves, and mixing a little bit of dragon’s blood resin with it. I like those too.

Deep meditation with singing bowls or certain types of music can induce that state. It all begins with the breath. I also do adequate preparation. I will eat light, do specific healing exercises after energetic ones, and take a ritual bath. I will journal to de-clutter my mind. I set up sacred space, take stock of my surroundings before I close my eyes and then focus my attention on the breath and all sensations physically. I have music playing in the background. And then I count backwards from a certain number. This opens me up quickly. Mat Auryn’s Psychic Witch book describes this exercise and much more. I highly recommend reading it if you are interested in developing intuition, understanding psychic energy, and utilizing it in your practice. As I said before the countdown exercise keeps me single point focused. I’m least likely to be distracted physically as a result. Once that is done, I will watch what comes through. Sometimes I end up in the astral realm where I might see someone familiar, a guide perhaps, and travel back to past memories, including past life ones. Yes, even that can happen! In the interest of space and how long this already is, I’ll talk more about the spirit realm and some ancestral traditions in another blog post.

In a walking meditation or when I’m running, I am anchored physically by the earth because my feet hits the ground, but I may also feel weightless or floaty. I am fully aware still. I know where I am, the street names, and which direction to go—but I’ll have flashes of things that come up, in sentient or cognitive ways. I’m here and also elsewhere is the way I’d use to describe it. But knowing how to properly anchor is so, so, so, so important here. I cannot stress that enough. I keep myself laser focused on the pacing, the direction, and the heart rate when I run so I cannot zone out. I watch out for cars, bicycles, kids playing, etc. So, I never give in to an altered state while running. NEVER. These flashes happen in the conscious for me, not the threshold state. I want to make that clear, because any vigorous activity like running requires tremendous focus on the physical. Word to the wise, avoid trancing out while operating machinery or working out! And one final thing, what does the altered state or trance experience mean or why should anyone even attempt it? I find that it helps me understand the subtle workings of energetic vibrations. It allows me to sense things better; as an empath I find this useful. It can also help us find the root and deeper causes to ancestral trauma, energy sicknesses, nightmares, and more. I will revisit this topic later on in future posts since there is more to say on it.

If you survived reading this far, thank you. If you didn’t, I understand. It was a very long one! The next post is all about Tarot! 😉 Thank you for sticking with me until the end of 2020, lovely readers. Until next time, happy new year! Namaste. With love, Foxy Witch.

The Personal Tale

After a long hiatus, I am finally back! I did not intend to take quite as lengthy of a break from writing as this, but I had to step away for a while to reflect. The last few months were challenging in many ways. And now it feels surreal to be in mid-November of 2020. We have had too much happen this year alone. And yet we are still in the middle of a ruthless pandemic, while continuing to face issues concerning racial equality. There is plenty to be said at a time like this. And I know I promised some resources and links before, so I will provide those in the next blog post as I will dive deeper into a few topics. With that said…what is this post about? I originally planned on writing about altered states in detail. However, this post will be more of a personal nature about doubt. I bring up doubt because in a spiritual sense when we question things, we look for answers in different ways, either through books or people—but having doubt when we thought we had answers reframes our state of mind. The past few months were a struggle about issues of identity—as an immigrant—as an American—as a witch—as a Hindu, and as an Indian American. Suffice it to say that I did not expect to face a spiritual crisis again, but life is not without its tests.

In late September this year, I signed up for a Yoga teacher training program in the interest of immersing myself in the traditions of my culture. For a while, I was confused and felt so removed from everything. I was concerned that I was not being true to my roots. I worried that I was somehow betraying my culture, that I was too “Americanized”, too witchy, not ethnic enough. The reality though is that I did not abandon the foundation—rather I have built on it. However, the fear of disloyalty permeated the center. I tried to turn away yet again from aspects of myself. I thought Yoga was the only way to feel more connected to my culture. While I loved the classes themselves, I was not ready for the teacher training. I was still very much a student. Despite being familiar with Yoga, it was new in a lot of ways. I also realized that I did not want any more “school” or certifications to teach—the training is extensive to be sure. It was clear to me after a few weeks that I also did not want to teach Yoga—I wanted to learn—as a practice for myself and a way of living. What also became evident to me was that I was falling into old patterns, patterns I thought I had broken away from, because I was desperate to understand myself. And the truth is that when I get desperate for change, I react impulsively.

Impulsive behavior, unfinished business, nervous talking, and a lack of confidence are all issues I have grappled with most of my life. They stem from doubts about how a person with a dual cultural identity lives as a balanced individual. When I wrote my first blog post as the Foxy Witch, I thought I had fully overcome the push and pull of this duality. But the seeds of doubt were waiting to be fostered. In the pandemic, they grew until I could no longer fool myself into thinking I had been liberated from those beliefs. I had hoped that Yoga teacher training would straighten me out. But I was looking for a band aid solution to my doubts and fears. Yes, Yoga is beneficial and would enrich my life profoundly. I am certain of that and will continue to practice it on my own for that reason. But as far as signing up for the teacher training, I made that decision on the spot one day without thinking at all about whether it was right for me. I convinced myself in the moment that it was, but the thing is, I have a track record for not being able to follow through with decisions I make that are impulsive. I love spontaneity as much as the next person, but I know myself enough to recognize these patterns. I simply was not ready. And I needed to admit that truth.

Initially, withdrawing from the teacher training program left me with an incredible amount of shame. I was ashamed because I thought I would have learned to be less impulsive by now. I was ashamed because I thought I was abandoning my culture again. I was ashamed that I did not heed the advice of my family who rightly understood where my impulsive tendencies originated. I was ashamed because I felt I had let myself down for the millionth time. Once I processed those feelings, that was when I learned that if I wanted to accept myself, it meant I would have to listen to intuition versus the knee-jerk impulse. My intuition had told me to slow down, because I was not ready for commitments of any kind and to pay attention to the mental and physical signals.

Fast forward to a week or so later after I quit the program, I slowly started to accept the decisions I made and turned inward. I should also mention that the decision to quit the program was one I spent time carefully deliberating as well as consulting with family. So, all in all, I decided to take a long, hard look at who I really was. I saw that I had doubts that ran deep and came from a place where I longed to fit in with something, anything. Today, I accept that I have these flaws. I am still sometimes a nervous talker, (yes, even with my family) because the need for acceptance can be a pervasive desire. But I also know that there are traits of strength and love that I rely on everyday. I had to let go of the old stories that placed me in a state of perpetual doubt. I think I kept myself in a kind of metaphorical limbo so that I would never forget the mistakes I made. In some ways, the irony was that I made more mistakes as a result, because I was just going in circles. These were after all the stories I believed about myself. The impulses, the doubting, the nerves—I had somehow let them dictate the sum, the totality of who I am. As soon as that realization hit me, I began to peel away the layers and dig deep.

I can say now that I accept that I have a duality about me, that I am a person with a distinct cultural background, that I am an American too, and that I tend to straddle the line with fringe paths, the occult mysteries—but I also follow the philosophical teachings of my background, and am definitely a Hindu at the core. I do not have all the answers. I may not ever have all the answers. But I have a stronger, better sense of self. From the depths of the shadows to the light at the end of the tunnel, I am journeying on, seeking truth and knowledge. If you read my personal story post all the way to the end, thank you. If not, I understand! It was a long one as always. The next post deals with different realms. Until then, be safe and have a wonderful rest of the month. With love, the Foxy Witch. Namaste.